Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize