We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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