Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
you had me at cake vodka
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
