If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
