i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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