I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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