I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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