When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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