I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
