Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
