One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
