I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
