I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
