also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
