At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
