I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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