I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
