True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
