God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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