Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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