Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Also, beer. Big fan.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
