TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
