they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
