I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
