i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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