mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Randomize
