yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
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