i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
