"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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