One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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