I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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