If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
