Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I still have a little drunk in my system
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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