Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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