I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
