New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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