I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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