Tell her she can't have a vagina
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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