if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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