Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
