She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
