this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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