I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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