8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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