i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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