We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
