I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize