I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Randomize
