Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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