At least make sure they are 18
Why
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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