...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
