Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
