oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
