Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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