my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
