so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
3 2 1 whiskey
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
