Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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