Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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