i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
