Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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