I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
