On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
