I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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